It goes without saying (and yet I need to say it) that what I write in this post, or anything I say about The Bachelor in general, is taken with a grain of salt.

We all know it’s a television show designed to exploit or highlight contestants in a way that entertains the masses and I am well-aware of this when watching it. It doesn’t, however, stop me from getting invested AF and raging at the television/on my Instagram stories. My comments are based on what I’ve seen and how the people on it have come across in my eyes. Don’t take anything I say too personally, but again if you do, WHATEVER – COME AT ME.

Okay – morphing into full Bachie mode as of NOW.

First of all, I ain’t here to re-cap entire episodes for you – there are plenty of other blogs and articles for that. I’m here to highlight things that I think are important to talk about. For example:

• Monique maybe or maybe not calling Matt a dog c**t.
• Matt obsessing over the fact that Monique may or may not have called him a dog c**t.
• Whether or not Abbie should or shouldn’t have told Matt that Monique may or may not have called him a dog c**t (obvs she should have, otherwise how boring would this show be).

I’m also not here to attack people’s physical appearances, but I am not someone who can’t not mention one’s appearance in some cases.

Case in point: someone who came complete with hair extensions, fake boobs, fake eyelashes, fake lips and from what I saw, a fake personality, having the audacity to call someone else fake (even if they were referring to their personality and not their physical appearance) made me laugh. And rage. And then laugh again. Plus when the likes of Jessika Power (Married At First Sight contestant) are in their corner, you know they’re a quality human being. Ahem.

Also – did you guys know that Abbie is 23? I totally missed that.

But that shit aside, the whole dog c**t saga that was last week’s Bachelor was comical.

And here are some of my thoughts:

1. I don’t blame Abbie for ‘snitching’. I would’ve hands down told Matt about the ‘dog c**t’ comment too. Wouldn’t you? Imagine if you were all horny and liquored up in a pool with Superman staring into your eyes and macking on your face, telling you how much he likes you and then forgetting the fact you’re on a TV show in the first place. Plus you’ve got our Lord and Saviour Osher Gunsberg reminding you that you’re there for love – wouldn’t you tell him?! She probably felt like she really liked him and respected him in that moment and, well, SHE WANTS TO WIN YOU FOOLS (by the way, that boy definitely had a tent pitched if you get what I’m saying – sorry Mum).
2. I get the producers needed him to go for the run and think pensively about it, but honestly mate, have some respect and pull it together. Go lift some heavy weights or at least take your shirt off when you run for us thirsty girls at home. Don’t jog for a bit and then pretend to huff and puff while leaning against a rock. Good Lord.
3. I can vouch that bogans do speak like Monique and Rachael and I probably would have said something like that in my time (definitely not mum, this is just for writing purposes) and not remembered saying it. I can say this because I believe I speak in bogan tongue at the best of times.
4. The bridal challenge was so absurd and ridiculous, I probably would’ve acted like Monique and kept to the edges as well. I ain’t getting an elbow in the eyeball for a bouquet and some one-on-one time with a dog c**t. Wait …
5. Chelsie is probably going to win, or get really bloody close to the end. Matt’s inner nerd came out and they were kind of ridiculously adorable together. Although if he picks her I sense she’d leave him after their contract is up. She was a bit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ some of the time.

Keen for next lot of drama this coming week.

It’ll all be bullshit and we all know the only real reason worth watching is for Osher and his beautiful hair. Sidenote: Osher and I are like besties now cos he replied to my Instagram story AND liked a post of mine. #BFF4LYFE

Han x