Definition of anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.

If you’re a regular reader of my ramblings, you’ll know that anxiety comes up a lot (I would apologise for the lack of variety in my post content, but I am trying my best to be un-apologetically myself). ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Sometimes my anxiety takes over my entire life. That sounds dramatic, but for me it’s relatively true. Lately, I’ve been dealing with a weird roller coaster of anxiety peaks and troughs. When it gets like this (like, when it gets up into a hectic peak of angst), it utterly consumes me and is honestly, really difficult to cope with. So much so, that everyday tasks become arduous; I feel sick, sad and stressed about things that haven’t even happened or might never happen. Some days I feel sick getting out of bed for reasons I can’t explain (like last Thursday morning) and when I can’t pinpoint what the issue is, my brain goes into overdrive and starts analysing every aspect of my life to find the problem. A problem that is often not even there.

I might worry about conversations or events from last week, or what people might say about me tomorrow. I get sweaty palms and butterflies when I drive to work, when I cross the road in front of waiting traffic or when my phone rings. I feel angst over my short and long-term future; I worry if I’m making the right choices everyday to get me to where I want to be. How do I know if I’m on the right path? How come I’m not doing the same things as my friends? What if I decide I desperately want children and it’s too late? Should I be engaged by now because everyone else around me is?

And it’s not just limited to myself. As I mentioned in a previous post: if I find out my siblings or close friends are going through something difficult, I get anxious about that as well. Bloody Nora.

Being in my brain hurts my brain.

I can drive myself legitimately crazy, for sure. On that note, I am not so arrogant to believe that it’s only me dealing with anxiety in general, nor do I forget that it can be difficult for my friends and family to deal with my anxiety. I mean, let’s be real: listening to someone talk about their issues over and over is BORING. People don’t want to hear about all of your problems, all of the time. Friends are there to lean on – sure, but you’re not meant to suffocate them with every issue and minute detail that’s going on in your brain-space. Everyone’s got their own shit going on.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank my friends and family for being so supportive, even when they have openly said they’re not sure how to help me, as they can’t relate to feeling anxious all the time. Honestly, just you guys listening and being honest helps. Special mentions to my partner Josh, for being so patient and understanding over and over and over again. And to my sister Jen, who has pretty much been my personal psychologist, guiding light and anxiety-squisher since we were kids. You still have the patient of a saint with me when I call up stressing about my future and worrying about developing a severe mental illness as the years go on (legitimately).

If you think people with anxiety are doing it for attention, kindly EAD.

For the record, I don’t want to feel this way, nor do I enjoy it. I envy people who are carefree and happy-go-lucky and just take things as they come. When I do manage to feel that way, I love it. I’m happier and healthier in every sense of the word. I really do try to beat my anxiety, but sometimes my thoughts get carried away. People who say “just get over it” or “everybody has anxiety these days” – I actually want to slap your face, off your face.

But bitch, you express your opinions on a public flatform. Da fuq?

I started my own blog in which I pretty much just talk about myself and my opinions, and yet the thought of too much attention makes me want to die (again, so dramatic). I would describe myself as somewhat of an introverted extrovert, if that makes sense. I write because I enjoy it, despite the fact every time I press ‘post’ I get an adrenaline rush/have a minor heart attack. One part of my brain tells me I shouldn’t be doing this because it leaves me open to ridicule and judgement, and another part is telling me that life is short and I shouldn’t care so much about what other people think. 

I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember. Fictional stories and screenplays mostly and purely for the fun of it #nerd. I loved it so much that I decided to study a Bachelor of Communications at uni and major in writing. I may sound like I’m gloating here, but my professors used to tell me that “I just got it” when it came to writing. One of my professors submitted a story of mine into a competition, and as a result, it was published in an actual real-life book. Another one of my professors awarded me a high distinction for a screenplay I wrote and he encouraged me to take it further outside of class. But I never did. I was anxious, scared and didn’t believe I could actually do anything with it. It’s still sitting in a drawer.

I started my blog because the creative side of me was itching to do it, as well as the side of me that wanted to kick my anxiety in the dick. I’ve tried and failed to have a consistent blog for several years, but with this latest attempt, something has changed. Whether it’s because of where I am at mentally and emotionally with life; because I’m older and see things differently; because people like YOU reading this have encouraged me to keep going … I don’t know. But something makes me want to keep writing and sharing and to be a little bit vulnerable. With every new post, I get a little bit more brave. And honestly – when people contact me privately and say my blogs have helped them in some way, it makes pressing post all the more worth it. If you know anyone who might relate to any of this, feel free to share this post or point them in my direction. I’m more than happy to chat anxiety with anyone and everyone.

Okay, let’s wrap it up mate.

There isn’t really a point to this post, other than for me to share with you that my brain is often all over the place. And if you feel like you’re sometimes in the same boat – don’t hate on yourself. The reality is some days we’re going to feel invincible and other days we might want to curl up in a ball and never work on our goals ever again. Some days we’re going to feel elated, empowered and like we’re actually “getting somewhere” with life and other days the pit of anxiety and fear is going to suck us in so deep it’s hard to see the light.

I don’t have any magical solutions, but I do know that you can’t stay in that pit of anxiety and fear forever. If it’s crippling you from living, kick your anxiety in the dick by speaking to your GP or a health professional, surround yourself with good, non-toxic people and don’t be too hard on yourself.

You hear me? Kick your anxiety in the dick.

Han x