Armchair expert: 2018 Winter Olympics

Published On: 02/21/2018Categories: Health & Fitness, Life692 words3.5 min readViews: 129

Ya’ll need to get around the winter Olympics.

I actually feel guilty that I took zero interest in it until a few days ago. I should’ve been watching from the get-go. Not to take away from Olympians or athletes in general, but the winter Olympics are WAY MORE HECTIC THAN ANY OTHER SPORTS EVENT EVER.

There, I said it.

These people are mental. It’s more of an extreme sports carnival than anything else. I don’t even know how the hell someone came up with half of these events … alpine skiing “giant slalom”, freestyle aerial skiing, the skeleton and luge, speed skating, figure skating … these people aren’t just extremely talented, they’ve got giant balls and vaginas too. And I mean that figuratively (I don’t even know if that’s the right word, but you get what I mean). I don’t actually know the size of their balls and vaginas … although in saying that you get a fair idea if you’re watching the luge where they wear skintight lycra – just saying. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I mean: they’re brave as fuck.

The female freestyle aerial skiing is what got me hooked initially. That’s the one where they ski as fast as a motherfucker down a bullshit-high hill and then pretty much turn upside down as they flip off a curve, followed by somersaulting and other hectic shit and then try to land on the other side without breaking their faces. GIANT VAGINAS.

After 10 minutes of watching it last week, Josh and I became certified armchair experts.

We’d shake our heads when the women didn’t get enough height, or when they broke form and tucked their knees too much before the landing (idiots). The commentators Bob and Susan were even more difficult to impress, and I’ll admit I told them both to STFU many times. Turns out their names are actually Basil (Basil!)* and Jacquie, but whatevs. Based on what Susan and Bob told us, we quickly figured out what the athletes needed to do to get a good score and before I knew it, we were deeply invested in athletes we’d never heard of and I was getting anxiety with every single jump.

It was so entertaining, and I was in complete and utter awe of these people and their hectic skills. That event alone made us tune in every night and is how I got to watch Shaun White win with a vengeance in the half pipe, I watched men lift women above their heads and dance in perfect sync with blades on their feet, I cried when a Japanese gold medallist defended his title, I learnt that Aussie commentators and supporters cannot deal when Aussie athletes don’t qualify to the final rounds of any event (if I hear anything else about David Morris “being robbed” I will smack a bitch).

The happiness, the heartache, the anger. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.

Even with the little complaints here and there, the whole thing has been so inspiring to watch and I think it’s a shame that it’s not advertised and talked about more. Most people I’ve mentioned it to respond with “nah, haven’t seen any of it.” Each to their own (I also love me some Netflix), but do yourselves a favour and flick it over before it finishes in a few days. You might find that one of those athletes inspires you or lights a fire in your belly that you’ve been searching for.

For me, watching the drive, determination and passion of these people brought about a fresh appreciation of the wonder that is the human race. They make you realise how capable we really are; that our bodies and minds are way stronger than we might think. And with all the shitty news you hear about these days, it’s nice to focus on something a little more positive.

I’m off to eat some ice cream while I watch more hectic females speed down a hill of ice at 100 km/h.

Night x

* A good old Fawlty Towers reference for those who were like da fuq?

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