Don’t scoff too loudly.

Being in my mid-20s and currently going through a life crisis of “what the hell am I doing with my life?” – I know that it’s a legitimate thing. I have been struggling with this question for years and only in the past couple of weeks has it knocked me on my ass.

I will be the first to admit that I am jealous of all you people who know what you want and are doing it or chasing it. We all know jealousy isn’t a pretty colour on anyone, but I still envy you. You have direction and purpose, some of you are making shitloads of money and buying nice things while I’m still saving the majority of mine for a house deposit and wondering if I should save the leftovers to splurge on new LJ or buy a heap of pizza and eat my feelings. And yes I’ve heard it all before: “that could be you Hannah”, “you’re making excuses” blah blah blah.

For just one second can you shut up? Shut your mouth. Sh-sh – just shut your mouth.

Some of us actually have NO idea what we are doing. We are winging it. We put on a smile (or from Monday-Thursdayish we frown cos it just feels more natural) and we just plod along while our brains are consistently churning with new possibilities, our minds dream up ridiculous fantasies and our hearts yearn for something more. It is a vicious cycle.

Yes – I know that in order to get what you want you’ve got to go for it. You need to take a leap. You’ve got to work hard, get dirty, cry a little (or a lot), have a meltdown and pick your self back up. Everybody has a different journey, a different goal. And when it comes to goals, you won’t get anywhere without writing them down with specific targets and time frames and sub sequentially imprinting them in your mind.

And I guess that is what is so frustrating. I know what I need to do to succeed. But I don’t have any clue of what I want to be. I honestly think I pretend to have a passion about certain things to make it seem like I have focus and a purpose. But who am I really fooling? Myself? What for? What’s the point in pretending to love something for anybody but yourself? (FYI: just realised this also applies to others areas of life such as relationships – if you don’t want to be with the person you’re with, stop being a PUSSY and end it for gods sake).

I’m sure everyone pretends. Pretend to love their jobs, pretend to like certain people to keep the peace, pretend to have it all together when they’re barely hanging on by a thread. Even the happy, motivated, loving-life people pretend. They have bad moods like everyone else, they struggle, they get down, they pretend to not care about their “haters” … but I guess the difference is that these people beat the negativity. They fight it. It pushes them to work harder and I have seen so many people come out on top.

I have recently learned that what you put in, you get back and if you think positive thoughts, good things will happen. Opportunities start coming up, you bring the good people closer and you get rid of those who are toxic and bringing you down. You cannot expect to live a positive life if you surround yourself with negative people (I could insert a heap of friends names here for teaching me this – kudos guys, you know who you are). I believe those who are successful are the ones who have this mindset, who don’t quit and who have an amazing support network. That doesn’t mean to say that these are necessarily good people, nor are they all genuine. Some are total assholes who got to where they are by shitting on everyone else and never losing focus. Some of them are fake and dishonest and PRETEND to love what they do to get stupid people to continue throwing money at them. Trust me, good things happen to bad people as well.

Anyway, coming back to my first point – it’s all well and good to fight haters and all that shit if you actually know what you’re doing and are in a place to actually have people hating you for your success.

For anyone else out there who’s had a crisis like this or is having one: listen up. The way I see it is it’s normal to feel this way. To freak out and feel lost. I truly believe that if you change the way you think, take a look at the way you talk to yourself and others, take a look at who your closest friends are and ask yourself are they good for your health or not, then I believe you’ll start seeing some clarity. But after that: your guess is as good as mine. Just remember to come back to your centre when you start getting all frazzled. Lean on your friends, take time to meditate or watch your favourite TV show or whatever it is that clears your stress and brings you back to you. And hopefully one day soon – you’ll figure out what you love most in this world and will work each and everyday to get closer to it.

I am confident that my crisis will pass and hopefully it’ll pass before I do something stupid like pack up my life and move to Mozambique.

Yeah, like 85% confident.

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